“I Don’t Want To Die That Way!” Or Motivation Through Fear

when-fear-becomes-motivationIt has been a kind of stressful week. BCC’s aunt passed away; my brother in-law had a family crisis; and the weather, well, the weather has totally sucked.   There has also been 3 other family members pass slide1away in the past year and a half.  One of them was my father.  Now mind you, I did not have any relationship with my father since he left my mother when I was about 5.  I had only seen him maybe a half a dozen times since then.  The reasons are various, and complicated. But I digress. 


I got a phone call on Thursday from my sister.  After her husband’s loss and the other stuff that has gone on, she had got to thinking, and I had been thinking for a while, that perhaps we should reach out to our youngest brother (Father’s son) Andrew.  fitness-motivation-face-everything-and-riseWe discussed it at length and a few other things, and we got off the phone without really Fear-doesnt-shut-you-downdeciding anything.   

I then googled his name and found a phone number.  I called.  It was not his number apparently, but that of his mother.  When I make a call, the name that comes up is my legal name, which is the same as my biological father’s name, just a different spelling.  I guess it startled her to see it.  She called Andrew, and he called my sister, then me.

When we talked, I asked how father died.  He told me. 


My dad was never a small man. He was 6’ + but he was a very morbidly obese man.  He needed knee replacement surgery.  After the surgery,  he did not do what he needed to do to get well and recover.  He sat. He sat, and sat and sat for two weeks.   He weight-loss-posters-motivationdeveloped pressure sores.  He went back into the hospital; the sores were badly infected.  He passed away shortly afterwards.  He died because of his weight.  He died because he did not move.  He died because he was sedentary and morbidly obese, and did not do anything to help himself.



I DO NOT WANT TO DIE LIKE THAT!  It took a while for it to hit me, a few hours.  I went in to take my shower, and I burst into tears.  I DO NOT WANT TO DIE THAT WAY!  I know I have 20+ years head start to change my life and health.  I have already started making changes.  My little brother saw this too.  After seeing his father that way, he has taken off 80 lbs.  I do not want to take after my father in that way. existentialism_by_allete_large

There are things I cannot change. I am built like him, with a large frame. I have a weight problem that in part I inherited from his side of the family. His mom was a large woman.  Genetics are not something you can escape.  But there are things that I can do to change the course and help myself. 

But I won’t lie–I am terrified.  I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. DIE. THE. WAY. HE DID.  I can do one of two 75619a6d-974a-4ec9-b692-a9712c321a9bthings, I can let the fear paralyze me, or motivate me.   I DO NOT WANT TO DIE THAT WAY.  

It is not an easy road, and I have a long way to go, but with BCC’s support, and my brothers’, and sisters’ support, I can beat this.  I WILL NOT DIE THAT WAY, I will live and lose the weight and become active.  In the short time since I truly started this journey there have been changes, the most recent one I noticed when I was taking my shower last night, It is now so much easier to just bend over and touch my toes. 

Some of you may think “so what?”, but it is a huge deal.  It is a step in the right direction. 



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